


figuring it out

by dreamingbirds



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Treebros, brief panic attack (it's one paragraph and not very graphic), gratuitous makeout sessions, pining evan, rated t for some swearing and lots of gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 22:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14459211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingbirds/pseuds/dreamingbirds
Summary: Evan Hansen was many, many things, but he was not dumb. Sure, he could be a little unobservant, and he tended to get distracted by small things, and maybe that was why it took so long for him to realise. But still.Or maybe the reason why it had taken Evan so long was because it was Connor, and everything involving Connor confused Evan to no end.





	figuring it out

Evan Hansen was many, many things, but he was not dumb. Sure, he could be a little unobservant, and he tended to get distracted by small things, and maybe that was why it took so long for him to realise. But still.

Or maybe the reason why it had taken Evan so long was because it was Connor, and everything involving Connor confused Evan to no end. Connor, with the angry eyes and the dark clothes, who had offered to sign his cast that one fateful day and flipped Evan’s tiny world on its ear. Connor, who had run out with Evan’s letter, and had vanished until the next day when his parents came into the school with worry etched into each line of their tired faces and explained to Evan what had happened.

Somehow, it had all sorted itself out, and Evan had explained what had happened without stumbling over the words too much. Connor’s mom had looked so much like she was going to cry that Evan had agreed to visit Connor in the hospital, because after all, he had been the last person that Connor had talked to before- well. Before.

When Evan had walked into that sterile hospital room with all of its faintly beeping machines, he had already been on the verge of breaking down. Connor’s last words to him were running on repeat through his head, and Evan was certain that Connor was going to throw something at him and yell, still filled with the same fury and intensity and darkness that had been surrounding him when they had met.

Instead, he found a quiet, broken boy who looked far too small and dark in the papery hospital gown. Connor had barely said anything, and Evan never really knew what to say anyway, so they had sat in silence for a long time, Evan staring at the ceiling and Connor staring straight ahead.

When the silence had become unbearable, Evan had stood to go, unwilling to force himself to stay any longer, but Connor had caught his good arm with a surprisingly strong grip. He had scribbled an email address in blue ink on Evan’s freckled forearm, then released him, saying, “If you ever... want to talk.”

Evan had left without another word, too flustered to say anything. He had emailed that evening, though, after agonising for almost an hour about his wording. Connor had responded fifteen minutes later with a few short, horribly punctuated lines about bad hospital food that made Evan smile without even realising.

So that was where it started. And it didn’t stop- Evan found himself emailing Connor once, twice, even three times a day. He visited Connor in the hospital sometimes, though he hated seeing Connor’s family. Connor’s mom always looked too happy to see Evan; his dad, who wasn’t there often, just looked tired and angry; and Zoe was there even less, her expressions so intensely indecipherable that Evan just steered clear of her.

When Connor had been released from the hospital, they had only spent more time together, talking all of the time at school and visiting each other’s houses. Evan got over his nervousness slowly but surely, opening up more and more to Connor. Sometimes he thought he felt like a flower in the sun, spreading his petals to embrace the warmth of a friend- and then he felt dumb, because who uses flower metaphors?

It felt really, really good to have a friend, though. Someone he could confide in, who made him smile when it was a bad day and who talked him through it on the really bad days. Connor wasn’t the only friend Evan was making, too- he was closer with Jared and even spent time with Alana, who was really nice once you got past the busy, mature exterior. Evan even found himself hanging out with Zoe, who Connor was trying to mend bridges with. Life was brighter and better with Connor there, and Evan was grateful every day that they had become friends after that day.

But this was Evan Hansen, who couldn’t have anything nice without completely screwing it up. And that was when he started to figure it out.

It was the little things at first. Like how Connor was the only person besides Evan’s mom who knew how to calm him down, or how he always emailed back quickly so Evan wouldn’t obsess over what he had said. One day, Connor picked Evan up in his car, and they drove to the abandoned apple orchard and just talked about everything, and about nothing. After a while, Connor lay down, resting his head on his arms and closing his eyes. Evan glanced over at him and was suddenly struck with the feeling of being home. 

He immediately turned red and faced the other way, even though Connor’s eyes were shut and he had no way of knowing what Evan had been thinking. Evan’s brain spun into overdrive, pointing out in neon glowing letters what Evan should have figured out months ago: that he had a crush on Connor Murphy. 

It only got worse from there. Evan started to notice every tiny detail about Connor- the way he would pick at his nail polish when he was feeling restless or frustrated, the way he ran his hand through his hair when he was thinking, the way he laughed at Evan’s feeble attempts at humour. Every time he saw something new, Evan felt a little flutter in his stomach that he immediately tried to tamp down. He had seen enough cheesy romance movies to know that falling for your best friend was never a good thing, and he was terrified of Connor finding out and ending their friendship, so he ignored his growing feelings as much as he could. He stopped spending one-on-one time with Connor, and only spoke to him directly through emails, which he tried to keep shorter and less emotional. 

Nothing worked, though, and Evan began to hate the way his heart beat faster whenever Connor walked in. He hid his blushing as much as he could, and refused to look at Connor for too long, though he found himself staring whenever the other boy’s back was turned. 

Connor, for his part, was quieter, and seemed to be falling back into his old habits. Zoe asked Evan once if something had happened between the two of them, since Connor seemed so much angrier and more distant. Evan shook his head, refusing to look her in the eyes, and she sighed and moved on to another topic.

They would have continued on like that indefinitely if not for one Friday afternoon, when Evan had gone over to the Murphys’ house to study with Zoe, Alana and Jared. They were sitting in Zoe’s room, the two girls sprawled on Zoe’s bed and Evan sitting on the floor, with Jared perched on a chair in the corner scrolling through his phone. Connor was nowhere to be seen, but Evan suspected he was in his room down the hall. 

They were taking a break from conjugating French verbs when Zoe, who had been texting someone on her phone, looked up and said, “Oh, hey, Evan, can you do me a favour? Can you grab me the blue box from the top shelf in my closet?”

Evan nodded and stood up, shaking the numbness from his legs, and went to the closet. There was no light, but the open door let in enough light for him to see that the box in question was too high above his head for him to reach. “Zoe? I can’t- um, I can’t reach?”

He heard the bedroom door open and the sound of Connor’s voice saying something, which immediately made his heart leap into his throat. Oh no oh no- 

“Connor, can you help Evan? He can’t reach the top shelf in my closet- can you grab the box up there?” Zoe asked, loudly enough for Evan to hear. Connor grumbled something, but footsteps padded across Zoe’s carpeted floor, and then he was standing in the doorframe, almost filling it. Evan stepped back as far as he could to let Connor pass, but the closet was really small, and even with his back pressed against the wall there was barely enough space for two. 

Suddenly Connor stumbled forward, crashing into Evan, and the door slammed shut. Darkness enveloped them, and Evan’s face was pressed into Connor’s chest, and he smelled like something masculine and smoky, and he was so warm and right there and wow, Evan’s heart was beating fast and his knees were starting to buckle and if Connor didn’t stop leaning into him he was going to fall-

And then Connor was off, and Evan could breathe a little better. He tried to get his bearings as Connor pounded on the door and yelled in a voice much too loud for the tiny space, “Zoe! Let us out!”

“Not until you guys talk it out and fix whatever weird tension is between you! We’re leaving the room for fifteen minutes and you’d better have made up by then,” Zoe shouted back. Connor growled, shoving against the wooden door. “It locks from the outside, and I will keep you in there all night if I have to!” Zoe yelled.

Evan heard her walk away and shut her bedroom door, leaving him alone with Connor in a tiny, dark closet that felt really, really warm, and he was having a hard time breathing, and- He started to gasp, balling the hem of his shirt up in his hands. The sound of Connor pounding on the door wasn’t helping, either, and Evan sank to the floor, his back pressed up against the wall, panting, his mind racing a million miles an hour.

“Hey.” The sound of Connor’s voice cut through the haze, and Evan almost sobbed. “Evan. Hey.” A hand gripped Evan’s arm gently, and he flinched away. “Okay. It’s okay, Evan. We’re gonna get out soon.” Evan took a deep, shuddery breath, trying desperately to calm down. “Breathe when I count,” Connor said, and the exercise was so familiar to him that Evan obeyed instinctively until he had stopped gasping for air. 

It wasn’t until he had settled down a minute or two later that Evan could really take stock of his surroundings. The light that came in from the crack around the door was just bright enough to illuminate the edges of Connor’s shape, catching in his hair and on the planes of his face so that Evan could just barely make out his expression. They were both sitting now, facing each other with their backs against opposite walls. Connor’s long legs were folded awkwardly to make space for Evan, who wasn’t very comfortable either. 

“I’m sorry,” Evan said, finally finding his voice. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have-”

Connor cut him off. “It’s not your fault. This is Zoe’s fault. Although...” He trailed off, turning his head so that his face was in shadow. Evan’s heart was doing something funny that he couldn’t really identify, and a weird mix of worry, guilt, sorrow and nervousness was brewing in his stomach. 

“Al-although?” Evan prompted. 

Connor sighed. “Look, she was right. There’s something weird going on between us. I mean... you’re my friend. My best friend. And then suddenly you’re not there anymore, like you’re ignoring me. Have I... Did I do something wrong?” His voice broke on the last word, and suddenly everything else seemed so stupid. Evan wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Connor, but he didn’t trust himself to touch Connor in such a small space, so he looked down and twisted the fabric of his shirt in his fist instead. 

“Evan?” Connor asked quietly, and Evan realised he’d been silent for too long.

“Oh! N-no, of- of course not. Connor, you’re- you’re my best friend too. I just... I messed up, and- and I thought, maybe, if I just stayed away from you it’d get better, but it hasn’t. So. Um. I’m really, really sorry.” He looked up, and though he hadn’t heard Connor move, his face was way closer now, and Evan’s heartbeat tripled. 

“You messed up?” Connor said, not meeting Evan’s eyes.

“Um. Yeah. I- I guess? I just, I don’t know...” What do I say what do I do help Evan thought frantically. I can’t tell him I’m going to ruin everything I don’t know what to do what should I do? I need to be honest and apologise and then I can fix it I need to say something- “I kind of... I really, um. I like you a lot. Like not just in a friend way. And I don’t, um, oh God this was a terrible idea and please can we just pretend I never said anything I swear I won’t, um, I don’t know but I just want to be friends again-”

Connor was staring at him, eyes wide with shock. Evan wanted to curl up into a ball and die, shame burning under his skin. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never should have-”

“Evan. Breathe.” Connor cut in once again, and Evan stopped, burying his face in his hands. “Do you... really? I mean, do you actually- oh, fuck, this is stupid.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan moaned, his words muffled by his palms. 

“No! It’s not that, it’s just- I like you too, Evan. A lot. And now I feel like a twelve-year-old, and will you please look at me?” 

Evan lowered his hands slowly, his heart racing. Connor dragged a hand through his hair, rolling his eyes up to stare at the darkness above them and heaving another drawn-out sigh. He looked down at Evan, and the intensity in his gaze made Evan’s stomach flip.

“Now what?” Evan said, so quietly it was almost a whisper.

“I dunno,” said Connor just as quietly. “I really, really want to kiss you, though.”

Evan’s face flushed. “Okay,” he mumbled, leaning forward to grab one of Connor’s hands. “I mean. Yes? Please?”

Connor’s grip tightened, and then he pulled Evan into him, and they were kissing, and the only thing Evan could think was wow, this is nice. And then Connor tilted his head a little and Evan could taste peppermint gum and strawberries, and heat spread through him, making him shiver pleasantly. He wrapped his arms around Connor, burying one hand in his long, soft hair, which coaxed a sound out of Connor that wasn’t entirely human and made Evan feel electrified. They parted for a second, catching their breath, before connecting again in a blaze of warmth. Connor leaned into Evan harder, pushing Evan’s back against the wall, and- “Did- did you just bite me?” Evan gasped.

“Sorry,” Connor said, a bit sheepishly.

“Don’t be,” Evan mumbled, hooking a hand behind Connor’s neck and pulling him in, deepening the kiss, his whole body filled with a fiery want that made him feel lightheaded. Evan didn’t know what would have happened yet if a sharp knock hadn’t sounded on the closet door. They broke apart, chests heaving, unable to stop watching each other’s faces as Zoe said from outside, “Have you guys made up yet?”

Evan couldn’t find his voice, but Connor said breathlessly, “Fuck off.”

He must have sounded as starstruck as Evan felt, because Jared’s obnoxious laughter sounded outside the closet. “Sounds like they’ve made out.”

Connor made no response, his face too shrouded in shadow for Evan to see his expression, and Zoe said, “Oh, ew. I’m just gonna leave. Come on, Alana. Let’s finish our homework somewhere far, far away from here. Preferably in the next state.”

Evan heard the sound of the door unlocking, and then footsteps fading from the room, Jared’s laughter dying away as the girls dragged him away. Evan reached past Connor and turned the closet doorknob. To his immense relief, the door swung open, the bright light making him blink after the relative darkness of the closet. He took a deep breath, still feeling shaky and hot, and stood up, turning to offer Connor his hand. 

Connor took it, unfolding his legs gracefully as he stood, but didn’t let go. Instead, he stepped closer so that their chests were almost touching and Evan was forced to tip his head back to meet Connor’s eyes. 

“Hi,” Evan said, for lack of better words. Connor’s proximity always made him feel a little muddled, and the fact that they had just made out in a closet really wasn’t helping. 

“Hi,” Connor murmured, eyes half-lidded. He seemed almost as dazed as Evan was, which was somewhat reassuring. Still, Evan’s mind was already spinning out a thousand reasons why this was a terrible idea and would end terribly. He forced the traitorous, self-destructive thoughts out of his head and grabbed Connor’s hand instead.

“Are we okay? Is- is this okay?” Evan asked.

“God, Evan, yes. Of fucking course it’s okay.” Connor twined their fingers together, sending another jolt through Evan’s stomach. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

“Um. M-me too,” Evan said, smiling weakly, trying to hide the storm of butterflies whirling through his ribcage.

Connor smiled too, and the only thing Evan could think was I want to stay like this forever. And as Connor hooked an arm around his shoulders and pulled Evan in for another kiss, he thought he just might be able to.

Evan Hansen was many, many things. While he was a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, he was definitely not dumb. What he was, however, was hopelessly in love with his best friend- and he had a sneaking suspicion Connor felt the same way.

**Author's Note:**

> ... i have no excuses.
> 
> this is completely unedited, all mistakes are my own, but none of the characters, etc.
> 
> my writing style changes drastically throughout this because i wrote the first half like a month ago. sorry.
> 
> kudos and feedback always appreciated!!


End file.
